Forrest's Epic Rants: Bugs

     Now, I've worked as a game tester for almost 4 years, across 4 different companies and have put my skills to use over a myriad of games over that time. Generally our job in quality assurance is to act as, essentially, a last line of defense between product and consumer; or, to put it more literally, we work to make sure that the game that you've spent your hard earned dollars on actually works the way it is intended to. There was a time that games would have to be nearly impeccable to be released (no game can be 100% bug free, but they can come pretty damned close). However, in this age of universal online connectivity, it seems that gaming companies are simply allowing more bugs to fall through the cracks when submitting a game for release, with the safeguard that they can simply come out with a patch to fix them at a later time. I'm about to tell you why this lazy, money grubbing practice absolutely, positively sucks.

Gratis Gamer: The Best Free Gaming on the Web

     Welcome, once again, to Gratis Gamer! Here you will find the best free games that the world wide information superhighweb internet tubes have to offer. Whether you're looking to sneak in some gaming on the sly to stave off the boredom at your soul crushing joke of a job (why else would you be reading this at work), or simply looking for some truly good, totally free, independently created games to fill the hole between those AAA title sequels, this is your guide to some of the best, ya cheapskate.

A Nightmare Wrapped Inside a Dream: What It's Like to Work at E3

     

   When I was a kid, E3 seemed like some kind of Video Game wonderland. Growing up, I constantly devoured every issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly (this was at a time before that newfangled "Internets" contraption everyone is talking about) and relished every single page of industry news, game reviews and so forth. Once a year, EGM would have it's E3 (electronic entertainment expo) report, which chronicled the event and supplied not only all of the significant announcements made there, but also would give the reader an inside look at what it was like to attend this mecca of the video game world. Throughout the report, pages were sprinkled with pictures of E3 attendees having the time of their lives; smiling or cheering faces of those lucky enough to be there, surrounded by epic glowing screens, larger than life statues of my favorite video game characters and of course, beautiful and buxom "booth babes" scattered among the show floor.

Regardless of the following comments, yeah, it's still pretty much like that...

Review: Portal 2

Developer: Valve Corporation

Publisher: Valve Corporation

Platform: PS3/X360/PC

Game Completion: 8-10 hrs

     There are games in which you can assume the role of a mighty warrior, saving the universe from a dark evil; epic sagas that see you spanning a fantastical realm. There are games that allow you to get in touch with your devious side, shooting cops, running down pedestrians and rising up the ranks in the criminal world. There are games that can make you feel like a rock star by clicking buttons on clunky plastic instruments. Then, there is a first person shooter/puzzle hybrid which finds you attempting to escape a facility run by a revenge obsessed, homicidal computer who is inherently compelled to force you to repeatedly place a box onto a button in a succession of ever more complex situations until you die. I'll let you guess which of those Portal 2 falls into.

You guessed incorrectly...

Forrest's Epic Rants: The PSN Debacle

   Okay, so maybe it's not quite as dramatic as a nuclear explosion, but the recent Playstation Network hack is definitely the most notorious event to befall the gaming industry in quite some time. Though we have yet to see the full fallout from what will go down as one of the biggest and most comprehensive security breaches in the history of modern technology, there is no doubt that this will hurt not only Sony's (admittedly deep) pockets, but also their reputation. Before we get into that, however, allow me a moment to bring the uninitiated up to speed...

PSN? What in the Sam Hell is a PSN...I still can't figure out where to put the stamp on this e-mail!!!

Gratis Gamer: Featuring the Best in Free Web Gaming

     Welcome to the first installment of Gratis Gamer, covering some of the best (or, simply, most interesting) free games to play around the web. All titles featured are absolutely, 100% free and holy shit, they just might actually be worth your time! So, with that said, hit the jump, follow the links and enjoy the satisfaction of being entertained without letting a single, precious coin slip out of your pocket....

Review: Dead Space

Developer: Visceral Games

Publisher: EA

Platform: PS3

Game Completion: ~11hrs

     Here's a game I had been avoiding for some time. To me, everything I had seen about it seemed to scream "GENERIC ACTION/HORROR SPACE SHOOTER" and thusly I treated it with a fair amount of indifference. That is, until a co-worker showed up with it one day, basically thrust it into my hands and said "play this, you won't regret it". For anyone who has played Dead Space, needless to say, he was totally right.  

You tend to listen to video game suggestions when you work in a place like this....

Review: Uncharted 2 Among Thieves

     Back in the good old Playstation one days, I remember watching the prerendered cg cut scenes for certain games and thinking "man, wouldn't it be fucking amazing, if one day, games actually looked this good while you were actively playing them, like playing a movie?". Obviously, with the advancement of video game technology, this has been achieved by a fair amount of games at this point. The main difference between those games and Uncharted 2, however, is that many of those games only allow the player to pull of those amazing movie-like action scenes through some sort of trick, where the player, while technically controlling the game, is really only following a pattern of pre-set button prompts that appear on the screen (otherwise known as "quick time events"). Somehow, Uncharted 2 found a way to deliver that same level of blockbuster movie style action almost perfectly, all while allowing the player full control. 

Yeah, see that there, that's actual game play...actual. fucking. game play.

Review: Donkey Kong Country Returns

       It's been a long time coming, but Donkey Kong Country is back and in very fine form. An update of the best selling Super Nintendo games, DKCR is all about old school platforming insanity, and the guys over at Retro Studios clearly have a great appreciation and fondness for the source material. Aside from a curiously absent King K. Rool and his Kremlings (the enemies and main baddie from the originals), this game does a fantastic job of recreating the look and feel of the 1990's titles. The overall aesthetic is pitch perfect; the music is sensational and even the extreme level of difficulty has returned...trust me, this game does not pander to today's somewhat coddled gamers.

Trust me, this monkey does not fuck around...

Review: Castlevania Lords of Shadow

     For the last two decades, the Castlevania franchise has seen numerous iterations. The series' most popular (and most critically lauded) titles have followed an evolution of its 2D roots, boasting what many consider to be the finest among them on the Nintendo DS and GBA. Castlevania's initial forays into 3D on the N64 and subsequent follow ups on the PS2 were received with lukewarm consideration, at best. Was the collaboration of game production phenom Hideo Kojima enough to elevate Lords of Shadow to becoming the first 3D game in the series to truly compete with its 2D brethren?

Aww...c'mon, at least gimme a chance...

Epic Rant File #1: Goals in Gaming

     Say one thing for video games, say that at least they engage the player in a meaningful way. Were I to ever have children, I would definitely more often plop them down with a video game than allow their brains to rot away in front of the 90% of absolute shit that television produces. In this American society that fervently encourages "goal oriented thinking", one would rationalize that gaming would not be demonized to the extent that it currently is. The reason for this is mostly due to that other, all-too-American trait: Ignorance.
    

Probably horrible movie based on a video game/inspired by video game culture Review File #1: Gamer

 "Move aside The Running Man, there's a new game in town: it's called...uh, well it's called Gamer...and it's...uh...well, it's like all Running Man and shit...but it's...you know, like hardcore and extreme and current and stuff!!! Video Games are all big-time now, right?  I mean, that's what all the kids like these days. They still like violence and titties and swearing though, too, amirite?"
 

Review: Metroid Other M

Full disclosure: Samus Aran, star of the Metroid series, is, without a doubt, my favorite video game character. Some find this somewhat strange since, until recently, she was never really much of a character at all.  Throughout the series, bits and pieces have been revealed about her past and in “Metroid Fusion” for the GBA, she even had some sparse inner monologue (the first time the character had ever spoken in any manner), but for the most part, Samus is kind of a mystery and that’s what I think I find so alluring about her. All you really needed to know about Samus was that she was a badass Bounty Hunter with a slick space suit and an arm-cannon who hunts Metroids, case closed. All that being said, you can imagine my excitement (and trepidation) when I learned that “Other M” would be the first game (with the exception of Smash Bros.) to feature a voice actress portraying my favorite character in a fully fleshed out Hollywood-style, blockbuster Metroid game.  So, did Team Ninja somehow manage to not completely fuck up my favorite pixelated creation?

A hiatus already?!?!

Sad news for my thousands of loyal readers: I will be forced to take a brief hiatus from the blog. Yes, unfortunately my trusty laptop has finally kicked the bucket and there is only so much time I can devote at work to surreptitiously contribute to the blog. 

= 

Lets not all fall on our swords just yet though, people. I should have a new PC before too long...a couple of weeks at most, hopefully. In the meantime you can be sure I'll be spending far too much time doing "research" for the bevy of entries I shall unleash upon the blog as soon as I'm up and running again. Take care, y'all.

"M's Watchability Rating"

That is a picture of a cat playing XBox. You're welcome. Now with that out of the way. I'd lake to take a moment to explain a particular rating you'll see appearing in select reviews around here. Occasionally, underneath my standard rating for a game, an extra stat labeled "M's Watchability Rating" will be present. Since my girlfriend Melissa has something wrong in her head that makes her not only patient enough to sit there and watch me play video games, it also causes her to actually REQUEST that I do so (yeah, I know....my girlfriend > your girlfriend). Seeing as how many of the games I'll be reviewing in here I will have actually played through with trusty Melissa by my side, I decided that I might as well have her throw in her 2 cents as well. Essentially, her mini review is that of the spectator; not so much taking into account game mechanics as much as her experience in watching it, as one would a film (speaking of which, make sure to check out her blog HollywoodHeldResponsible also). To all normal girlfriends out there who despise video games, you should think of it as a meter of how much you'll be able to tolerate the next game your significant other makes you suffer through!!  That is all...you may carry on...and much thanks, babe ;)

"We only have enough love for two, Craig!!!"

Review: God of War III

Title: God of War III

Developer: SCEA Santa Monica Studios

Platform: PS3

Throughout the God of War series, players have been tasked with guiding Kratos through his rage fueled tale of vengeance, destroying any of the gods of Greek mythology who stand in his path. In God of War 3, the supposed true "end" to the main series, director Stig Asmussen has upped the ante over the previous games in almost every department. The graphics, brutality, boss battles, gore, fighting mechanics and action have all been raised to near-perfection and really show off what the PS3 is truly capable of.

Never before have throat danglies looked so beautiful in a video game.

Budget Button Pressers: "NORRLAND"

Title: Norrland
Creator: Cactus (Jonatan Söderström)
Platform: PC
Price: Free

"This seems neat, the whole retro thing has been done to death, but this is kinda cool....just exit the house or whatever...what the...wait a minute...what the fuck is going...well okay if I press that and then those I can reload for some reason...okay, he's gotta take a shit, he is out in the forest after all...wait how do I...okay I get it but what's with the blood...okay this is getting a bit too pretentious, but maybe there's something to it..." These are some of the thoughts that ran through my head during the first few minutes of Norrland. It is extremely avant garde in its own right, yet at the same time, appears to be poking fun at avant garde gaming (a genre which, even in my extensive experience, I have rarely encountered). The ColecoVision level graphics are beautifully executed (even when seeping drops of urine onto what I assume were ants), the atmosphere compelling and the silent film style narration brilliant. Though I'm not entirely sure what creator Soderstrom was trying to achieve or what message, if any, he was trying to get across.
The game follows a lone man making his way through the woods with his trusty rifle and a healthy heaping of bizarre (not to mention, hugely NSFW) minigames which are encountered everytime our hero either has a bodily function that needs tending to, or enters a dream state. I won't go into detailing these segments as I believe this is a game best left to be explored by each individual for himself; every person who plays this game will come away feeling something different (with the sole conjecture of at least one "what the fuck?" moment unifying all who play it). Regardless of what Norrland is supposed to exist as, I feel that every gamer (especially any of those interested in the indie scene) owes it to himself to experience this obtuse little piece of pixelated befuddlement.
Generally I would, at this point in my diatribe, attribute the game a solid "yea" or "nay" and go about the tried and true practice of divvying out a "blah" out of "blah" for graphics, replayability, etc. In the case of Norrland, however, I'll end with a simple "take 20 minutes out of your day and PLAY THIS GAME through"...ya might love it, ya might hate it, ya might give up on it and curse me for suggesting it to you. One thing ya will most likely say, though, is that you've never played anything quite like it. Get it HERE.

***HINT***
Though I won't give away the controls (the game itself purposefully provides no instructions) I will tell you that you do NOT need to use the mouse, only the keyboard keys. I won't say which, as part of the experience is just figuring it out for yourself...just don't give up...you'll find the right keys if ya try hard enough....

Press start to continue...

Greetings and welcome to Filtered Pixels!!! Here you will find all the mish-mashed video game musings that I allow to fall from my mind onto my keyboard and finally fill the electronic glow of your computer screen (or screens, if anyone other than my loving girlfriend decides to devote their time to this nonsense). With this blog, I am proud to be the VERY first person on the entirety of the World Wide Web (or Information Superhighway, as the kids call it these days) to provide video game news, reviews, previews and whatever else I deem fit to publish (e.g. pictures of animals I hope one day to possess or consume), all through the discerning eye of Forrest Thompson. "Who is Forrest Thompson, and why do I care?" you may ask yourself and the answer to that question is "NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ASKING A QUESTION LIKE THAT?!?! HE DIDN'T DO NOTHIN' TO NOBODY, JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE ALREADY, CHRIST ALMIGHTY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!" So...now that we're all acquainted, let's sit back, relax and enjoy my insanely intelligent and well informed blog of all that I hold dear in this world: Video Games (except, of course, the sole reader of this blog: Captain Girlfriend).